On The Verge of 40

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Sunday is my birthday and I will be 39.  It's such a lackluster sort of birthday - you aren't quite yet the BIG 40, but you are literally at the threshold of moving into your forties.  

I have 5 brothers and sisters and all of them turned 40 many years ago now.  I only actually remember my youngers siblings' and brother/sister in law's 40th birthdays because they were in the past decade.  My other siblings turned 40 over 20 plus years ago either before I was in college or during...so I wasn't present at their 40th birthdays.  I remember them all as being very joyous occasions with lots of jokes of being over the hill and grey hair.  In fact, I threw my husband's 40th birthday party this past December and it was fantastic even if I did do it myself!

This picture pretty much sums up how I felt.  LIKE. A. ROCKSTAR.  It was the first really big fancy party that I threw in my really big fancy house.  Even my mom was impressed which is seriously saying something.  She really is a rockstar at throwing parties - like for reals.

I felt very grown-up at the moment and really had a fantastic time.  Now, however, as I broach my 39th, I have to admit I'm feeling a little unsure and maybe even a little insecure.  Yes, I have met and married the husband literally of my dreams; yes, we have the most adorable little girl in the entire world; and even, yes, we live in the home I have always dreamed of and wanted.  I even like....no love my job.  I mean, really Lee, what can you feel unsure about then (I bet you are asking cause as I write that, I'm thinking it - do I really feel this way)?  

I still don't really feel like I'm a grown-up or am grown up enough.  I still worry about us paying our bills every month despite the fact that we both make really decent money.  I've been listening to a lot of financial books like (You Need a Budget, You're a BadA$$ at Making Money, Your Money or Your Life) all in the hopes of somehow figuring out what my deal is with money and why I feel like I never have any (which is quite a shitty feeling by the way).  I even had a breakdown in front of my mother a month or so ago (which really concerned her and she doesn't get concerned) because I told her I needed to cut my grocery budget to $30 bucks a week.  

What I think I am beginning to figure out is (thanks in large part to the book, Your Money or Your Life) I have always had an impossible time with what "ENOUGH" is.  I have never felt good enough for just about anything EXCEPT in learning Chinese.  This feeling was so prevalent when I had PPD that I literally thought I would die from it.  Not a good enough wife, not a good enough mother, not earning enough, not being debt-free enough, no being frugal enough, not spending wisely enough.  You get the idea.  

So, as I work my way day by day to 40 for the next 367 days, I officially declare I AM FUCKING ENOUGH JUST AS I AM.  That is my new mantra and to hell with the rest.



kat said...

Hope you had an amazing birthday and I can not wait to see what you do for your 40th next year! It definitely sounds like you have achieved a hell of a lot and hopefully you can enjoy the next year leading up to your 40th. I always tell my husband age is just a number, it doesn't have to mean anything and no one made any rules as to what you should have done or be doing by a certain point as long as you are happy!

Lee said...

Thank you! And yes absofreakinglutely!

Unknown said...

Such an empowering post...I'm turning 32 this year so 40 is a little way off but I certainly feel like reflect more on life with each birthday that goes by! I think it's human nature to never feel satisfied: we could be working more, earning more socialising more, seeing family more, blogging more, working out more etc etc. but when it comes down to it we should just let ourselves be! And you are definitely amazing just the way you are :)m xx

Anonymous said...

I turned 30 this year which has felt like a bit of a leap (20s where did you go?!) For me it's that I always feel like I'm not doing enough even when I'm doing 597535 things (slight exaggeration of numbers but yep!)

Sarah said...

Hope you had a great birthday. It's good to reflect on things and I really enjoyed reading all of your thoughts.